Retire To The Center Of Your Being

"Retire to the center of your being, which is calmness."

                          --Paramahansa Yogananda

I keep trying to verbalize the internal chaos in which I used to live.  I know that many of you are there.  At times, I would sit on my cushion and repeat a phrase, a scripture or prayer over and over, almost in a panic.  I couldn't relax.  I couldn't trust that everything would be okay because I was too overwhelmed.  I had so much fear.  What if it never got better?  What if I was never good enough?  What if I wasn't smart enough, didn't work hard enough, didn't have enough faith?  I would sit until my bell chimed, then I would go about my day, fervently repeating the same prayer over and over and over with no relief.

I think I was stubborn.  

I always thought I had solid self-esteem, but I also always felt like no one would like me as much if they really knew me.  What if people really knew how much I struggled with academics?  What if my husband  knew I was so lazy that I couldn't focus, and that was the reason the housework was never done.*  It seems crazy to me now, but evidently I believed my value came from what I could accomplish.  

Of course, that kind of makes sense because we grow up believing we have to be competitive.  We have to be better, work harder, get into a good school, build a lucrative career, have brilliant children, take exotic vacations and leave behind a big fat estate.

Hmm...this isn't where I planned to go.  I just wanted to let you know that there is hope.  "The center of your being" may be as foreign to you as mars; it may feel too far away or too scary to explore.  The center of your being; the calmness, is right there within you.  

This might be a good time to read (or reread) 7 Best Ways to Nurture Your Practice and make a commitment to practice every day.  When we practice meditation regularly, we can return with ease to a place of calm no matter what is going on around us.

I'm holding you in the light.

*turns out I'm not lazy, I just had to find my own way.  Phew!