Sit quietly for a minute. Take some time to center yourself. Breathe. Read this paragraph and then take a minute to close your eyes and check in with your body. Do you feel any tension? Check in with your heart. Is it steady? beating quickly? How about your brain? Is it agitated? restless? distracted? Don't worry, this won't take long. Take a moment to gather all your pieces; all your attention right here.
Now take a moment to think about your day (or yesterday.) Was there any time that you felt hurt? neglected? less than?
Did you snap at anyone? Did you speak or act in a hurtful manner? If you did (and I'm pretty sure you did even if only in your heart), try to remember what feelings were at the root of your unkindness. You might have been irritated, rushed, distracted, or defensive. There's also a pretty good chance that, under that, you were hurt.
"Pain that is not transformed is transferred." I love this quote from Franciscan Friar Richard Rohr. Another way to say it is "hurt people hurt people." This is important to remember because we are all on both the giving and receiving end of pain.
This afternoon I overheard my daughter saying that her friends make fun of the way I cook. Ouch. Before I could even think, tears burned my eyes. I wanted to let anger spring up, and a very immature part of me wanted to think ugly thoughts about the friends. I took a deep breath. I allowed myself to feel the hurt. I acknowledged the anger. I also reminded myself that I DO cook differently; it's not necessarily better or worse. (Okay, I make almost EVERYTHING from scratch. How can these children NOT APPRECIATE that?! Sly grin.) Maybe I actually needed a little ego check.
How do I know when I have (or am about to) snap at someone out of my own pain? Unless I am very tired or hungry, (and even sometimes when I am very tired or hungry) I just assume that if I am lashing out at someone it is because my carefully crafted self-concept is being threatened. Gah! The whole point of practicing meditation is self-transcendence! When I remember this, I can relax and understand that I don't have to be offended. I don't have to waste energy or time trying to protect my image and my identity. I can just be open to what is.
This doesn't mean that I'm a doormat. For years I practiced self-denial because I thought that was the "nice" and peaceful thing to do. No, this isn't being a pushover, but recognizing my own pain and also the pain in others; showing compassion to myself and also showing compassion and respect to those with whom I disagree. My suffering is no longer cause to make someone else suffer, it is a connection that binds me to them, it is a bridge from my heart to theirs.
I know you are not a comment-leaving bunch. I'm a little concerned this post was discombobulated, and I hope you'll tell me if that's the case. I'll happily offer clarification and I promise I won't lash out:)
I'm holding you in the light.
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