Raising Kindness

I have a boy.

I have an almost 9 year old whose first word was "ball", who reads sports statistics for fun, who likes to wrestle and have nerf gun battles, who thinks bodily functions are appropriate fodder for jokes at the dinner table, and who leaves an endless trail of sweaty socks in his always-energetic wake.

I was unprepared for this.  I decorated his nursery with playful, silly monsters because I couldn't believe that boys were all that different from girls.

Of course, boy or girl, the above complement would cause my heart to swell, but somehow describing our raucous boy it is all the more gratifying.

"Always kind to everyone...makes us try to be better people."  This is my wish for everyone.  Of course, kindness is a practice.  We aren't always going to be kind to everyone.  When we aspire to do so, we are more likely to recognize kindness when it's practiced, and we are likely to notice when we are not kind.  It happens sometimes; we snap at someone, or we deride ourselves with negative self-talk.  There is no need to perpetuate the ugliness by judging or condemning ourselves further; this is a learning experience!  Notice how it makes you feel and, if possible apologize, then redouble your commitment to practice kindness. 

Just like an athlete builds up muscles and muscle memory to thrive in their sport, we can build our kindness muscles.  It takes practice, but it does become easier; even second nature, to show kindness.

****This is NOT just applicable to people who have children!!!  We are, after all, raising ourselves!!*****

I didn't really tell you how to raise kind children, but here's a 2 minute video from my parenting crush, Dr. Christine Carter of the Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley.  You may also want to read (or reread) her post on the practice of loving kindness.

I'm holding you in the light.

Retire To The Center Of Your Being

"Retire to the center of your being, which is calmness."

                          --Paramahansa Yogananda

I keep trying to verbalize the internal chaos in which I used to live.  I know that many of you are there.  At times, I would sit on my cushion and repeat a phrase, a scripture or prayer over and over, almost in a panic.  I couldn't relax.  I couldn't trust that everything would be okay because I was too overwhelmed.  I had so much fear.  What if it never got better?  What if I was never good enough?  What if I wasn't smart enough, didn't work hard enough, didn't have enough faith?  I would sit until my bell chimed, then I would go about my day, fervently repeating the same prayer over and over and over with no relief.

I think I was stubborn.  

I always thought I had solid self-esteem, but I also always felt like no one would like me as much if they really knew me.  What if people really knew how much I struggled with academics?  What if my husband  knew I was so lazy that I couldn't focus, and that was the reason the housework was never done.*  It seems crazy to me now, but evidently I believed my value came from what I could accomplish.  

Of course, that kind of makes sense because we grow up believing we have to be competitive.  We have to be better, work harder, get into a good school, build a lucrative career, have brilliant children, take exotic vacations and leave behind a big fat estate.

Hmm...this isn't where I planned to go.  I just wanted to let you know that there is hope.  "The center of your being" may be as foreign to you as mars; it may feel too far away or too scary to explore.  The center of your being; the calmness, is right there within you.  

This might be a good time to read (or reread) 7 Best Ways to Nurture Your Practice and make a commitment to practice every day.  When we practice meditation regularly, we can return with ease to a place of calm no matter what is going on around us.

I'm holding you in the light.

*turns out I'm not lazy, I just had to find my own way.  Phew!

Pain That Is Not Transformed Is Transferred

Let's do a little exercise, shall we?

Sit quietly for a minute.  Take some time to center yourself.  Breathe.  Read this paragraph and then take a minute to close your eyes and check in with your body.  Do you feel any tension?  Check in with your heart.  Is it steady?  beating quickly?  How about your brain?  Is it agitated?  restless?  distracted?  Don't worry, this won't take long.  Take a moment to gather all your pieces; all your attention right here.

Now take a moment to think about your day (or yesterday.)  Was there any time that you felt hurt?  neglected?  less than?

Did you snap at anyone?  Did you speak or act in a hurtful manner?  If you did (and I'm pretty sure you did even if only in your heart), try to remember what feelings were at the root of your unkindness.  You might have been irritated, rushed, distracted, or defensive.  There's also a pretty good chance that, under that, you were hurt.

"Pain that is not transformed is transferred."  I love this quote from Franciscan Friar Richard Rohr.  Another way to say it is "hurt people hurt people."  This is important to remember because we are all on both the giving and receiving end of pain.

This afternoon I overheard my daughter saying that her friends make fun of the way I cook.  Ouch.  Before I could even think, tears burned my eyes.  I wanted to let anger spring up, and a very immature part of me wanted to think ugly thoughts about the friends.  I took a deep breath.  I allowed myself to feel the hurt.  I acknowledged the anger.  I also reminded myself that I DO cook differently; it's not necessarily better or worse.  (Okay, I make almost EVERYTHING from scratch.  How can these children NOT APPRECIATE that?!  Sly grin.)  Maybe I actually needed a little ego check.

How do I know when I have (or am about to) snap at someone out of my own pain?  Unless I am very tired or hungry, (and even sometimes when I am very tired or hungry) I just assume that if I am lashing out at someone it is because my carefully crafted self-concept is being threatened.  Gah! The whole point of practicing meditation is self-transcendence!  When I remember this, I can relax and understand that I don't have to be offended.  I don't have to waste energy or time trying to protect my image and my identity.  I can just be open to what is.

This doesn't mean that I'm a doormat.  For years I practiced self-denial because I thought that was the "nice" and peaceful thing to do.  No, this isn't being a pushover, but recognizing my own pain and also the pain in others; showing compassion to myself and also showing compassion and respect to those with whom I disagree.  My suffering is no longer cause to make someone else suffer, it is a connection that binds me to them, it is a bridge from my heart to theirs.

I know you are not a comment-leaving bunch.  I'm a little concerned this post was discombobulated, and I hope you'll tell me if that's the case.  I'll happily offer clarification and I promise I won't lash out:)

I'm holding you in the light.

Teachable Moments

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”  

--Pema Chodron

Self Image as a Stumbling Block

A big part of cultivating peace is letting go of attachments, but maybe that doesn't make sense.  After all, we hear a lot about healthy attachments, and attachment parenting is a good thing, so maybe that phrase, "letting go of attachments" is confusing.  Pema Chodron describes it as letting go of things that "hook" you. I like that.  Some of our most humongous hooks are around our self-image.

Yesterday a 2nd grader was excited to tell me it was his birthday.  That's exciting stuff--he's 7.  All of the children nearby were piping up with their ages and birthdays when a boy looked up and said, "how old are YOU?!"  I kind of laughed and half-chided him before responding "41 and a half!"  "Oh!" he laughed, "I thought maybe you'd say 50!!"

This could have sent me spiraling into depression and, I have to admit, I did think "I've GOT to start wearing sunscreen!"  but later, when I was relaying the story to my husband, I thought about the boys perspective.  He is at a place in life when birthdays ARE SO AWESOME!!  Every day, every minute, that you are older than someone is like a badge of honor.  He may very well have thought that I was CRUSHING the birthday game!

Maybe not.  but it doesn't really matter.

So often, we hurt because we completely misunderstand what someone is saying.  We hear though our own filter. We get defensive.  We hurt.  We mistakenly place our value outside of ourselves and allow our insecurities to color our thoughts and interactions.  Every one of us has value.  We all have something to share.

Cultivate Gratitude

"Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing

that comes to you, and give thanks continuously.

And because all things have led to your advancement,

you should include all things in your gratitude."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Little More on Affluence and Appreciation

Here's a fun little tool I found.  It's called The Global Rich List and is a little "get you thinking and doing some good" project of the London-based company POKE.  You enter your annual income and currency and the little calculator shows you where you rank among the world's wealthiest.  They also give suggestions for what you might do with just one hours worth of your salary.

As my husband sweetly says, I have a little "jobby".  I don't make a lot of money (but I do get to mother 480 children for a few hours a day without all that pesky laundry!)  Anyway, do you know what I could do with 1 hour's pay?

I could buy a treated mosquito net that would keep a family of 4 safe from Malaria, which kills a CHILD every 45 seconds.

For 2 hours of work, I could provide a family with a flock of ducks which would give them protein and income in the form of eggs, plus they could pass on income-producing ducklings to their neighbors!  (Even if you don't think you want to give livestock you should watch this video--their energy will keep you smiling all day:)

These are just 2 things I could do on less than a family trip to the yogurt shop.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to help others.  Now I'm going to box up the clothes that have been sitting in our laundry room and get them to Safeplace, our community resource for women and children leaving everything to escape domestic violence.

I know this might not seem to have anything at all to do with meditation and creating a little corner of peace, but trust me, mindfulness is more than 20 minutes a day on a cushion.  Mindfulness is steeping every thought, word and action in a spirit of acceptance and appreciation.

I'm holding you in the light

Affluence and Appreciation

I became enamored with the idea of HAPPINESS a couple of weeks ago after watching the movie "Happy".  I shunned the idea of searching for happiness for years--by definition, it seemed hollow.  Of course, I love to BE happy, but searching for it would only bring suffering.  Yes, searching for happiness and clinging to what we think will make us happy do cause a great deal of suffering, but it turns out we can CULTIVATE happiness; we can practice habits that lead to happiness.

I LOVE that there are so many resources; scholarly articles and clinical studies on HAPPINESS!!!  One of my favorite on-line hangouts is The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.  It gives me goosebumps to think that Westerners, Americans in particular, may finally be ready to set aside our race to be the smartest, richest, prettiest, best and explore how to create a life of meaning and a society that cares about the well-being of everyone.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I don't think so.  I am a dreamer, for sure, but I also know that when we put our minds to something, we can do great things!

Oh, I'll step off my soapbox now.  What I intended to touch on today is another piece of the happiness puzzle:  Appreciation.

What good timing.  Just after the "holiday" on which Americans will drop $7 BILLION on costumes, candy and decorations (ok, that's a whole different soap box) we will embrace the season of Thanksgiving during  which we reflect on our blessings and what it means to live in a democratic society.  I'm being a little cheeky and I really don't mean to bash because I certainly don't hand out green beans to the neighborhood children (we tried that--once.)

Our insane level of affluence makes it difficult to really appreciate what we have.  I'll just give you a few personal examples:

• I'm rarely thankful that my children have shoes when I'm tripping over them (ditto for wet towels.)
• I don't always stop to think of how blessed we are to have an abundance of food, especially when I'm fuming about how much of it I'm scraping off plates into the garbage disposal or trying to figure out how I should combine the 1,000 ingredients in my pantry into something new and tasty.
• When I'm sleep deprived from ogling Pinterest or peeping into my friends lives on Facebook, I forget to be grateful for the electricity that brought me the gadget.

My point is that when you have only bread to eat, you are thankful for that bread.  We spend so much time comparing what we have to what others have, and trying to keep up with all we have, that it's difficult to really appreciate our overflowing abundance.

I won't go into purging our clutter or reducing consumption today, but I would encourage you to focus on what you really appreciate over then next few days.  Studies have shown that college students who recorded what they were thankful for just once a week showed improved mood.  

I am thankful that I live in society that provides free education and sees the value in educating girls.  I am thankful that I am permitted to have opinions and I am thankful for the many, many teachers I've had in the form of formal educators, authors, friends and, well, not friends.  

I'd love to hear what you're thankful for.  I'm holding you in the light

Mindfulness with a little Cognitive Therapy

Some days it feels like you're just holding on by the tiniest little nub.

Today is one of those days for me.  On days like this, I have to have perspective.

I don't usually advocate thinking--we create a lot of suffering by thinking.

But sometimes when I start to freak out because things aren't going as planned, I combine my mindfulness with a little cognitive therapy.

1st I remind myself that it's my attachment to my plan and desired outcome that's causing the suffering.

2nd I stop the freak out train by using a little exercise adapted from The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, MD.

What has me so stressed?  How am I communicating with myself?  Which of the following distortions do I have?

• Am I overgeneralizing by using statements like "I always/never"
• Am I using all or nothing thinking by looking at the situation as if it's black/white?
• Am I jumping to conclusions - assuming people will react negatively or predicting things will turn out badly?
• Am I blowing things out of proportion?  
• Am I labeling? You know, calling myself a dingbat or worse.
• Am I blaming myself for something that is not entirely in my control?

In my journal, I make a note of my initial thought--here's a real live example:

 "I am completely paralyzed!  I can't do anything; there is just too much.  I never finish anything!"

Then I make note of which type of distortions are rearing their ugly heads.  In this example, it's over generalization,  all or nothing thinking, and maybe jumping to conclusions.  

Here's the important part!!  I wish I could remember where I heard this phrase; I SPRINKLE A LITTLE GRACE ON IT!  I smile a little and say to myself, "Oh Misty, take a deep breath and look around.  The sky isn't falling.  You are angry and frustrated with yourself for getting distracted and not following through with your plan.  You did drop the ball, but you also tried to fit too much on your plate today.  It's okay.  You can handle this..."  Then I decide what I can knock off my list and how I can go about taking care of the business at hand with a peaceful heart.  

There is a zen adage that says "You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes every day - unless you are too busy; then you should sit for 1 hour."  When life is coming at you like a speeding train, when your anxiety is high and your heart is racing, when you think there is NO WAY you can spare 1 MINUTE, find a quiet spot and turn your attention inward.  You are so much more than your "to-do" list.  Be gentle with yourself, find your center, and you will create a ripple of peace that spreads to others.

I'm holding you in the light.

A Present Heart Makes A Happy Heart

Calligrapy by Thich Nhat Hanh

Maybe this is a stretch, but I love these two images.  I love the roof lines of the simple, tiny houses above. I love how they mimic the shelter atop the calligraphy to the left.

The image to the left is Chinese calligraphy of the word "mindfulness."  The top character, the shelter, is "now" or "present" and below is the character for "heart".  The literal translation would be "bringing the heart into the present"

How appropriate.  The only place and time we can experience life is in the present moment. When our heart takes refuge in the present moment we are home.  As Sharon Salzberg puts it in Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness "By practicing meditation we establish love, compassion, and sympathetic joy as our home."

As you head into this week, keep in mind that your practice doesn't have to be confined to your formal sitting (although that IS important!)  No matter how crazy life gets, you can always come home to your breath.

I'm holding you in the light.

By Practicing Meditation...

Greater Happiness in 5 Minutes a Day

Okay, everyone can find 5 minutes in a day!  I loved this post by Christine Carter, PhD. over at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center.  Christine is a sociologist and happiness expert, not a monk or mystic (although I DO love monks and mystics:)  She has a simple, down-to-earth style.

Have a great weekend!  I'm Holding You In The Light

Greater Happiness in 5 Minutes a Day

Greater Happiness in 5 Minutes a Day

September 10, 2012 | The Main Dish | 7 Comments

How to teach kids loving-kindness meditation

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Might be that sitting with your legs crossed repeating stuff like "May all beings be free from suffering," is a little too far-out for you. I'm a scientist for crying out loud, so you can imagine how I might feel meditating while surrounded by prominent neuroscientists, which I once did on a 7-day silent meditation retreat. Except that I actually didn't feel silly.

Why?

Because research demonstrates the incredible power of loving-kindness meditation: No need to be self-conscious when this stuff might be more effective than Prozac. Also called metta, loving-kindness meditation is the simple practice of directing well-wishes towards other people.

Here's How to Do It

The general idea is to sit comfortably with your eyes closed, and imagine what you wish for your life. Formulate your desires into three or four phrases. Traditionally they would be something like this:

May I be healthy and strong. May I be happy. May I be filled with ease. Loving-kindness meditation is a simple repetition of these phrases, but directing them at different people. I do this with my kids before bed. We visualize together who we are directing the metta towards, and at first I say something (May you be happy) and the kids repeat it after me. After a few repetitions, we start saying them in unison. The phrases we use are "May you be healthy and strong. May you be happy. May you be peaceful."

1. Start with by directing the phrases at yourself: May I be happy.

2. Next, direct the metta towards someone you feel thankful for or someone who has helped you.

3. Now visualize someone you feel neutral about—people you neither like nor dislike. This one can be harder than you’d think: Makes me realize how quick we can be to judge people as either positive or negative in our lives.

4. Ironically, the next one can be easier: visualizing the people you don't like or who you are having a hard time with. Kids who are being teased or bullied at school often feel quite empowered when they send love to the people making them miserable.

5. Finally, direct the metta towards everyone universally: "May all beings everywhere be happy."

In this 3-minute video, Sylvia Boorstein, author of Happiness is an Inside Job, teaches how to do this. Another good resource is Sharon Salzberg—she wrote Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Doing this with kids of all ages doesn't need to be complicated; most are good at using their imaginations to send love and well-wishes. You don't really need to read books about this: loving-kindness meditation is as simple it seems. People write books about it because it is so powerful.

Here's What You Get When You Send Love

Loving-kindness meditation does far more than produce momentary good feelings. Over a nine week period, research showed that this type of meditation increased people's experiences of positive emotions. (If you are working on improving your ratio of positive to negative emotions, start with metta!) The research shows compellingly that it actually puts people on "trajectories of growth," leaving them better able to ward off depression and "become ever more satisfied with life." This is probably because it increases a wide range of those resources that make for a meaningful and successful life, like having an increased sense of purpose, stronger social support, and less illness. Research even shows that loving-kindness meditation "changes the way people approach life" for the better.

I've blogged before about social connections and how important they are for health and happiness. Doing a simple loving-kindness meditation can make us feel less isolated and more connected to those around us: one study showed that a SINGLE SEVEN MINUTE loving-kindness meditation made people feel more connected to and positive about both loved ones and total strangers, and more accepting of themselves. Imagine what a regular practice could do!

© 2012 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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Relationships & My Happy Place

He really doesn't always look at me like this
when I go to kiss him, but relationships ARE
crazy sometimes.

Research has shown that relationships are a critical factor in one's resilience and happiness.  You need not have a huge number of friends, just a few who really care about you.  And you need to spend time with them.

 I didn't finish my longer, planned post because the conversation with my husband was just too good.  "I'd love to sit here visiting with you all night"  he said,"but we have to get some sleep."  It's funny how the exciting, giddy, we-could-talk-all-night-and-still-make-it-to-class-the-next-day days are long over.  There were nights when we were so  achingly tired from nursing sick children, or stressing about work, or arguing about money that we could barely muster 2 words.  We didn't (and still don't) always agree, but we always gutted it out.  Sometimes I would roll my eyes when he wanted to talk, and all I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand.

Last Spring when he announced to the children that they had to hop to bed because Mommy & Daddy had a date for "wine at 9" I thought it seemed contrived.  I really just wanted to read a book.  What a nut!  Those first few nights I could barely sit still while we were supposed to be connecting.  My mind kept drifting to all the things I could be doing.  You know, exciting things like picking up wet towels and wiping off toothpaste splatters.  I am grateful he was persistent,and I was able to apply mindfulness because now we visit every night.  We sit on the front porch like two old people and watch the neighbors walk their dogs, close their blinds and drift off to bed while we visit about our day, our children, our memories and our dreams.  He is my anchor and that makes me deeply, deeply happy.

Relationships are tricky.  They can be messy and tedious.  You might think it's easier to fend for yourself.  You might build walls to keep from being vulnerable, from being hurt again.  You might not think you have the energy or time to invest, but we are social beings.  You need your friends, and they need you.  It makes us happy when we can help and when we can laugh.  Friends give us a soft place to fall.

I'm Holding You In The Light.

Happiness Is Worth Cultivating

Happiness is a complex path that becomes easy only as we walk it.

--Andrea Pollard

Why is it important to pursue happiness?  Doesn't it seem kind of self-centered and mid-life crisis-y?  Good news!  It's not.   Nurturing your happiness is actually an altruistic act!

• It will increase your own health and longevity
• Make you more creative, more productive, a better problem-solver
• You will also be more kind.

All of these benefits ripple out and impact your family, your community and the world!  Notice I didn't put in any wishy-washy little qualifiers like "may" or "could".  I feel that strongly.

Go watch the movie "Happy".  Director Roco Balic took 5 years to travel the world and document stories of people who are happy, as well as some who are not-so-happy,and artfully weaves in scientific research to show how we can cultivate happiness and longevity where we are.  Okay, if you can't see the whole movie until this weekend, here's the link to a great visual from The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkley that lists the 6 Habits of Happiness. 

Oh, I am POSITIVELY GIDDY!  I'm holding you in the light! 

Let's Talk About Happy

Because I'm guessing some of you might have read that quote from Mother Teresa (left) on yesterday's post and though

"Yeah, right!  THIS MOMENT ISN'T HAPPY!  I have debt to my eyeballs.  My husband barely talks to me.  My child is failing.  I can barely hold it together in public!!"  Or maybe just "I'm overwhelmed.  I can't do it all."

I know.  I mean, I don't know exactly, but I know what it is to feel hopeless, alone, out of control and utterly unsure of where to begin digging out, how to begin healing, let alone becoming genuinely happy.

I know.  I'm throwing you a rope.  Grab it.

I overheard a conversation between a 6 year old and her school counselor on the playground.  "I just want you to fix it!" the girl whined.  A long, thoughtful exchange followed with both contributing great ideas, but the counselor finally told her gently "I have learned it is very difficult to change other people's behavior, but what I CAN change is MY behavior and my response to theirs."

We each have to take responsibility for our own happiness.  Let's spend some time exploring what happiness is, what it isn't, and how we can rest in a place of deep, abiding, "it's-all-going-to-be-okay-ness."

I'm holding you in the light.

Each Moment Is All We Need

 This quote by Mother Teresa is a lovely reminder and flows nicely as a breath prayer.  You may choose to use this in your sitting meditation if you're having a particularly tough time maintaining focus.  It can also provide gentle grounding when you're out and about.  

Difficult client?  Stuck in traffic or dealing with a tantruming child?  Repeating a poem or a phrase like this encourages you to slow your breath.  It calms the raging cortisol and makes it much more likely that you will respond with peace and thoughtfulness.

On your inhale silently say "Be happy in the moment"
Exhale "that is enough."
Inhale "Each moment"
Exhale "is all we need"
Inhale "is ALL we need"
Exhale "not more."

Desired Things...Aren't Really Things

I've posted excerpts of this poem twice, now here is Desiderata (Latin for desired things) in its entirety.  Written my an attorney, writer and poet from Terre Haute, Indiana in 1927, it is still so relevant today.  I know we are a society of skimmers, but give yourself a little time today to read and really absorb the message of this poem.  I keep a copy on my clipboard and refer to it several times a week.  Here's a link to a printable version  of  Desiderata.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

Speak your truth

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

Excerpt from Desiderata

Max Ehrmann c.1920

I love this little section of Max Ehrmann's Desiderata.  Recently I asked my niece, who takes achingly beautiful pictures, if she could send a few vertically oriented nature scenes (very specific.)  She sent three along with the above square house shot.  It was serendipitous.  We hadn't discussed the poem.  I keep meaning to ask her what made her include this lovely, but I'm sure on some level she just knew I needed it.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

This can seem daunting at times, but with practice, it becomes second nature.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

This is important!  It is vital first to know your truth and then do not deny it!  When your words don't match you emotions, you are betraying yourself.

and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.

Ah, listen!  Really listen without judging or without thinking about what's for lunch or what you are going to say next.  Turn to face the person and listen to what they have to say, even if you don't agree with it and even if you find it tedious.  We all deserve to be heard.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations of the spirit.

Amen!  You've heard the expression "garbage in, garbage out"?  When you surround yourself with peace and beauty it is much easier to maintain a positive outlook.  Obviously, you can't completely isolate yourself from "loud and aggressive persons", but do try to limit your exposure.  

I've been thinking that I sure would like to create a community here on this little blog.  I'm notorious for reading blogs and not contributing (that applies to about 99% of blog readers.)  But if you are looking for an open and supportive group with whom to share your triumphs and tremors, leave a little comment.  I think you'll be in good company here.

Let it go

Mindful Home-Keeping

Let's face it.  It is difficult to push aside a tennis shoe, dog bone and laundry basket then sit down and try to achieve nirvana.  It just doesn't happen.  It requires discipline, diligence and grace to nurture our meditation practice, the same is required to nurture a peaceful home.  

Yes, it's all related.  To some extent, the condition of your physical world mirrors that of your inner world.  Also, in clearing space and cleaning out your physical space, you can help grow a more peaceful and expansive inner space.

I was raised is a loving but chaotic home.  My husband, in response to one of many of the disastrous messes he came home to, asked if I was feral.  My point is, if I can manage a tidy, peaceful home, anyone can.

I didn't do it alone.  I learned, in part, by watching my husband and mother-in-law, who seem to have been born organized.  I also tried and abandoned LOTS of systems.  The most gentle and easy to follow was from a little Internet icon named Flylady.  Flylady and her website have helped me stay centered and given me a place to start when I was just too overwhelmed to figure it out on my own.  

Top 7 Take-Aways From My MIL and Flylady:

1. Do it now - You might say "duh" but haven't you ever left a dish in the sink and returned to find the oatmeal transformed to concrete?  When I want to flit away from a mess and onto the next thing I ask myself "Is this something I'm going to excited to come back and handle?"  If not, I take 2 extra minutes and finish the job.
2. Create Routines - When you automate the mundane, you can accomplish much with little energy.  The same way we up the survival odds of our meditation practice by setting aside a specific time, place and process for our practice, we can also keep our days running smoothly when we make daily to-do's into habits.
3. Have a Master Plan for the week - By setting aside a specific day to handle bills, another for planning menus and making appointments, one for errands, etc I don't have to feel like EVERYTHING has to be done today.  I can set bills aside and know that they will get paid on Wednesday.
4. Clear Hotspots several times a day - Hotspots are places where clutter gathers.  Have you ever noticed when you put down one piece of paper it's like a magnet for more clutter?  
5. Shine your sink - I know this one sounds crazy, but it is amazing what a happy place it makes your kitchen.  Likewise for a made bed, it just makes the whole room smile.
6. Declutter Every Day - This goes for you, too, my neatnik friends.  I have worked as a professional organizer and seen the most immaculate homes with perfectly categorized and organized clutter choking the homes energy and gathering dust.  Keep a box for charity into which you can toss outgrown clothes, old books and knick knaks you no longer love.  Those items will bless someone and you will have the benefit of more space.  Eventually, you'll realize it's more efficient to just not bring the clutter into your home in the first place.  Bonus!  More money to save/share/enjoy and less stuff to store!
7. Set Your Timer for 15 Minutes - You'll be amazed at how much you can accomplish in that short amount of time.  At least once a day I use a 20 minute segment as a working meditation.  In that time, I go about my chores, but instead of being distracted by music or busy brain, I focus on my breath and pay particular attention to what I am doing.  Instead of wishing my son wore fewer socks or that the dog's was a hairless, I just focus on my deliberate actions and hold them in the light.  

Maybe the most important thing, though, is to be gracious and not take any of this too seriously.  I wrote this earlier in the day.  I had been doing a LOT of noodling about mindful home-keeping   This evening, just after I pulled supper from the oven, I walked my sister outside and a car pulled up with a dear friend from SPAIN!!  It was a complete surprise and we were thrilled to see her.  I invited her in--we stepped over a flyer for a tree service on the entry floor, and another for the school carnival, then passed a pair of shoes on the sofa table.  I invited her to sit at the kitchen island where I pushed aside a pair of socks (clean!), a set of sheets, a smoking hot glue gun and a Coke factory made of construction paper and Popsicle sticks.  We had a drink and shared news about life and our families. Eventually I didn't even see the dishes in the sink. She asked about the blog.  I silently considered scrapping this post based on the embarrassing condition of our house, but life is messy and unpredictable and precious.  I am just happy to have a home and friends with whom I can share it.

(Island and Coke Factory "after")

You Are Here

I felt like yesterday's post had so many words.  I don't want to scare you off. 

I would love it if I could send each of you a little pocket-sized card of this print.  You could pull it out and get lost in the clouds.  You could recall that you are more than your facade.  You could practice easing into not having to be right. You could practice opening your heart to what is.

The act of shedding the very identity we have taken years to craft takes patience, diligence and constant vigilance.  Start small. 

For me it might be "Maybe the broiler might not be the very best way to make toast.  I can allow the rest of the family to use the toaster without facing my disdain."

Gradually move to more strongly held beliefs before tackling the biggies.  

For today,

     breathe deeply,
     open your heart.

**If you LOVE words and can't wait to study meditation in deptth, I don't think you can go wrong with anything by Pema Chodron, Thich Nhat Hahn, or Thomas Merton

Decluttering the self?

***I feel like I need a little disclaimer here.  This week we’re going to examine barriers to inner peace.  I had an entire post written on clearing out our physical spaces.  However, when I sat down to give it a little edit, the entire post that follows poured out.  I hadn't intended to start here, but maybe it will speak to you.  There must be some reason this personally unflattering stuff just jumped onto the page!***

Decluttering the Self

Everything we own, everything we wear, the car we drive or bike we ride, the music we listen to, the pages we follow on social media, all say something about who we are or who we think we should be.

I was once on a spiritual retreat, and during a time of creative response, an attractive at-home mom from an affluent community showed off a perfectly coiffed paper plate mask, complete with lipstick and pearls. She said that it was the image she projected to everyone, even her closest friends. I thought that was terrible! I ached for her inability to show vulnerability to her loved ones and was more than a little appalled by her inauthenticity.

Here’s the kicker.  It’s a decade later and I realize that I've pretty much done the same thing! I live in the same community as that woman although I joke that I live in the “slums of Swankytown”.  I have spent just as much time and energy crafting my own persona.  For years I drove past the exemplary school in my neighborhood to a woodsy little private school (12 miles away) so our children wouldn't go to school with the “rich kids”.  Did I mention it was private?  Those children weren't missing any meals, I can see the warped logic now.  I have been militant about reusable, BPA free lunch containers and organic food in part out of concern for our health and that of the environment, but in part because it fortifies my “I live in the suburbs, but I’m really more earthy than this!” identity. 

What does that have to do with meditation?

I know you're wondering!  It has everything to do with being completely at peace with ourselves and spreading that peace to others.  It has everything to do with giving and accepting grace.

When we intensify our individual identity, it prevents us from connecting with others’ humanity.  Instead of seeking to find common ground, we merely raise our voices to prove our point.  We judge and condemn without acknowledging that the person on the other side of the issue, on the other side of the table, on the other side of the playing field, on the other side of the tracks, is a person—a valuable child of God or the universe or whatever that deserves to be respected and honored and heard.  In that same manner, each of us is a valuable piece of humanity that deserves to be respected and honored and heard.

How about a tiny bit of work?

Spend a little time today thinking about the thoughts, beliefs and actions you use to define yourself.  How would it feel to loosen your grip on a long-held belief and give in to not really knowing?  Here is a little exercise you might practice today:

When you encounter someone who holds a radically different belief (it's election season in the US, so this should be easy) 

• Take a deep breath and consciously relax your body.  
• Recognize the the tightening.  Where do you feel it physically?  In your chest? your throat or gut?  
• As you continue to focus on your breath, recognize that the person or group on the other side of the issue is human and allow that tension to melt.  Have I mentioned before that I remind myself daily to "be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle"?

Feeling brave?  

Consider sharing some of the thoughts, beliefs and attitudes to which you cling?  In what ways do you define yourself that keeps you from connecting with others?  I bet you aren't alone.