Raising Kindness

I have a boy.

I have an almost 9 year old whose first word was "ball", who reads sports statistics for fun, who likes to wrestle and have nerf gun battles, who thinks bodily functions are appropriate fodder for jokes at the dinner table, and who leaves an endless trail of sweaty socks in his always-energetic wake.

I was unprepared for this.  I decorated his nursery with playful, silly monsters because I couldn't believe that boys were all that different from girls.

Of course, boy or girl, the above complement would cause my heart to swell, but somehow describing our raucous boy it is all the more gratifying.

"Always kind to everyone...makes us try to be better people."  This is my wish for everyone.  Of course, kindness is a practice.  We aren't always going to be kind to everyone.  When we aspire to do so, we are more likely to recognize kindness when it's practiced, and we are likely to notice when we are not kind.  It happens sometimes; we snap at someone, or we deride ourselves with negative self-talk.  There is no need to perpetuate the ugliness by judging or condemning ourselves further; this is a learning experience!  Notice how it makes you feel and, if possible apologize, then redouble your commitment to practice kindness. 

Just like an athlete builds up muscles and muscle memory to thrive in their sport, we can build our kindness muscles.  It takes practice, but it does become easier; even second nature, to show kindness.

****This is NOT just applicable to people who have children!!!  We are, after all, raising ourselves!!*****

I didn't really tell you how to raise kind children, but here's a 2 minute video from my parenting crush, Dr. Christine Carter of the Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley.  You may also want to read (or reread) her post on the practice of loving kindness.

I'm holding you in the light.

Retire To The Center Of Your Being

"Retire to the center of your being, which is calmness."

                          --Paramahansa Yogananda

I keep trying to verbalize the internal chaos in which I used to live.  I know that many of you are there.  At times, I would sit on my cushion and repeat a phrase, a scripture or prayer over and over, almost in a panic.  I couldn't relax.  I couldn't trust that everything would be okay because I was too overwhelmed.  I had so much fear.  What if it never got better?  What if I was never good enough?  What if I wasn't smart enough, didn't work hard enough, didn't have enough faith?  I would sit until my bell chimed, then I would go about my day, fervently repeating the same prayer over and over and over with no relief.

I think I was stubborn.  

I always thought I had solid self-esteem, but I also always felt like no one would like me as much if they really knew me.  What if people really knew how much I struggled with academics?  What if my husband  knew I was so lazy that I couldn't focus, and that was the reason the housework was never done.*  It seems crazy to me now, but evidently I believed my value came from what I could accomplish.  

Of course, that kind of makes sense because we grow up believing we have to be competitive.  We have to be better, work harder, get into a good school, build a lucrative career, have brilliant children, take exotic vacations and leave behind a big fat estate.

Hmm...this isn't where I planned to go.  I just wanted to let you know that there is hope.  "The center of your being" may be as foreign to you as mars; it may feel too far away or too scary to explore.  The center of your being; the calmness, is right there within you.  

This might be a good time to read (or reread) 7 Best Ways to Nurture Your Practice and make a commitment to practice every day.  When we practice meditation regularly, we can return with ease to a place of calm no matter what is going on around us.

I'm holding you in the light.

*turns out I'm not lazy, I just had to find my own way.  Phew!

Pain That Is Not Transformed Is Transferred

Let's do a little exercise, shall we?

Sit quietly for a minute.  Take some time to center yourself.  Breathe.  Read this paragraph and then take a minute to close your eyes and check in with your body.  Do you feel any tension?  Check in with your heart.  Is it steady?  beating quickly?  How about your brain?  Is it agitated?  restless?  distracted?  Don't worry, this won't take long.  Take a moment to gather all your pieces; all your attention right here.

Now take a moment to think about your day (or yesterday.)  Was there any time that you felt hurt?  neglected?  less than?

Did you snap at anyone?  Did you speak or act in a hurtful manner?  If you did (and I'm pretty sure you did even if only in your heart), try to remember what feelings were at the root of your unkindness.  You might have been irritated, rushed, distracted, or defensive.  There's also a pretty good chance that, under that, you were hurt.

"Pain that is not transformed is transferred."  I love this quote from Franciscan Friar Richard Rohr.  Another way to say it is "hurt people hurt people."  This is important to remember because we are all on both the giving and receiving end of pain.

This afternoon I overheard my daughter saying that her friends make fun of the way I cook.  Ouch.  Before I could even think, tears burned my eyes.  I wanted to let anger spring up, and a very immature part of me wanted to think ugly thoughts about the friends.  I took a deep breath.  I allowed myself to feel the hurt.  I acknowledged the anger.  I also reminded myself that I DO cook differently; it's not necessarily better or worse.  (Okay, I make almost EVERYTHING from scratch.  How can these children NOT APPRECIATE that?!  Sly grin.)  Maybe I actually needed a little ego check.

How do I know when I have (or am about to) snap at someone out of my own pain?  Unless I am very tired or hungry, (and even sometimes when I am very tired or hungry) I just assume that if I am lashing out at someone it is because my carefully crafted self-concept is being threatened.  Gah! The whole point of practicing meditation is self-transcendence!  When I remember this, I can relax and understand that I don't have to be offended.  I don't have to waste energy or time trying to protect my image and my identity.  I can just be open to what is.

This doesn't mean that I'm a doormat.  For years I practiced self-denial because I thought that was the "nice" and peaceful thing to do.  No, this isn't being a pushover, but recognizing my own pain and also the pain in others; showing compassion to myself and also showing compassion and respect to those with whom I disagree.  My suffering is no longer cause to make someone else suffer, it is a connection that binds me to them, it is a bridge from my heart to theirs.

I know you are not a comment-leaving bunch.  I'm a little concerned this post was discombobulated, and I hope you'll tell me if that's the case.  I'll happily offer clarification and I promise I won't lash out:)

I'm holding you in the light.

Teachable Moments

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”  

--Pema Chodron

Self Image as a Stumbling Block

A big part of cultivating peace is letting go of attachments, but maybe that doesn't make sense.  After all, we hear a lot about healthy attachments, and attachment parenting is a good thing, so maybe that phrase, "letting go of attachments" is confusing.  Pema Chodron describes it as letting go of things that "hook" you. I like that.  Some of our most humongous hooks are around our self-image.

Yesterday a 2nd grader was excited to tell me it was his birthday.  That's exciting stuff--he's 7.  All of the children nearby were piping up with their ages and birthdays when a boy looked up and said, "how old are YOU?!"  I kind of laughed and half-chided him before responding "41 and a half!"  "Oh!" he laughed, "I thought maybe you'd say 50!!"

This could have sent me spiraling into depression and, I have to admit, I did think "I've GOT to start wearing sunscreen!"  but later, when I was relaying the story to my husband, I thought about the boys perspective.  He is at a place in life when birthdays ARE SO AWESOME!!  Every day, every minute, that you are older than someone is like a badge of honor.  He may very well have thought that I was CRUSHING the birthday game!

Maybe not.  but it doesn't really matter.

So often, we hurt because we completely misunderstand what someone is saying.  We hear though our own filter. We get defensive.  We hurt.  We mistakenly place our value outside of ourselves and allow our insecurities to color our thoughts and interactions.  Every one of us has value.  We all have something to share.

Cultivate Gratitude

"Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing

that comes to you, and give thanks continuously.

And because all things have led to your advancement,

you should include all things in your gratitude."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Little More on Affluence and Appreciation

Here's a fun little tool I found.  It's called The Global Rich List and is a little "get you thinking and doing some good" project of the London-based company POKE.  You enter your annual income and currency and the little calculator shows you where you rank among the world's wealthiest.  They also give suggestions for what you might do with just one hours worth of your salary.

As my husband sweetly says, I have a little "jobby".  I don't make a lot of money (but I do get to mother 480 children for a few hours a day without all that pesky laundry!)  Anyway, do you know what I could do with 1 hour's pay?

I could buy a treated mosquito net that would keep a family of 4 safe from Malaria, which kills a CHILD every 45 seconds.

For 2 hours of work, I could provide a family with a flock of ducks which would give them protein and income in the form of eggs, plus they could pass on income-producing ducklings to their neighbors!  (Even if you don't think you want to give livestock you should watch this video--their energy will keep you smiling all day:)

These are just 2 things I could do on less than a family trip to the yogurt shop.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to help others.  Now I'm going to box up the clothes that have been sitting in our laundry room and get them to Safeplace, our community resource for women and children leaving everything to escape domestic violence.

I know this might not seem to have anything at all to do with meditation and creating a little corner of peace, but trust me, mindfulness is more than 20 minutes a day on a cushion.  Mindfulness is steeping every thought, word and action in a spirit of acceptance and appreciation.

I'm holding you in the light